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Sunday, 28 September 2008

  • In regard to my last entry:

    I am forever in love with Tommy Bennington. Of this I am completely sure, and of this will come my very own 'notebook' love, but better. I realized that I only question it because I think and analyze and overanalyze everything too much. If I take things for what they are, realize what I feel and not try and make it different or change it, then I really do realize that there is no one other than him. He makes me feel, keeps me grounded, motivates me, supports me, treats me the best of anyone ever, is my everything and more. I really can't imagine anyone better for me and I cannot imagine my life without him. I'm bad at putting this into words that can really convey what this is to me, so let's try and go with a quote instead:

    "I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No... not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that... over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable - like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture."

    from Shakespeare in Love.

    I have found this in him.
    And he has my forever.

    Haley

Monday, 15 September 2008

  • 'It's like my heart can't take
    My fall in love every day'

    Platonic Love. Last year in Hondrum's Intro to World Literature class, we learned that this was the ultimate form of love in life. It extends way past simple, romantic love and is where you're so close to the other person, that you feel what they feel, know what they're thinking, and fall deeply in love for forever. 'Notebook' love; forever love; soul mates; what every person in this world is seeking. Well..what the hell happens if you don't find it? To be honest, I don't think I would ever be satisfied with my life if I knew I hadn't found this. I mean, I've have this boy, this amazing wonderful fantastic human being whom I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. I dream of it, I become impatient when I think about how long it could be until that time, it occupies a large chunk of my everyday thoughts. And sometimes, I feel so in love with him it hurts. And I cry for no reason. And I love crying. A great movie, an amazing song, lyrics that affect my soul, a photograph, a phrase, a look from him. I love it. But at the same time that I can't ever imagine my life without him, there are times when I'm unsure about being in love. Note: this only started when we actually became official. But if you really are in love, are you supposed to question it? I mean, isn't it supposed to be a completely sure thing? No questions asked? A definite, overwhelming feeling in your heart and soul and complete being. Which brings me to the 'lasting forever' part. I've always been big on love...obsessive even. At one point a few years back, I was in the same position I'm in now. I was in love with a boy. So deeply in love. At least I thought I was, until I fell out of it. So was it really? I mean, when I was with this boy, I was convinced of it. When we weren't together anymore, I was still convinced of it. I craved it, wanted it more than anything else. But I also seem to have this terrible problem of wanting what I can't have. I didn't have him. And for years, that's all I wanted, and I was convinced we were supposed to be together forever. Sound familiar? Yea I know, same situation now. But this new boy has the belief that once you fall in love, you stay in love, that is if it's the real, true, reach for the stars, life affecting kind. And being the crazy, hopeless romantic type, like I am, shouldn't I think that, too? Don't I think that, too? Yes. But then what the hell was that feeling a few years ago, that's now been transitioned to this new person? Granted, they were two totally different kinds of people. Person A was crazy, intense, romantic, a dreamer... like me. And he made me FEEL. Which, if you know me, I NEED. I need to feel things, all the time. Real true deep emotions. That's why I love crying. And Person B makes me feel too, sometimes even more than i thought possible, but Person B is different. He's wonderful, classic, husband father material, grounded, logical, adventurous, my best friend. And sometimes his logical with my irrational makes for a great balance. But then there's times when I crave being swept off my feet by a passionate, all you need is love believing, all i need is you believing boy. And he can't always be that. So therefore comes the predicament. I feel so much it hurts 'It's like my heart can't take /My fall in love every day'. I eat live sleep read crave breathe falling in love. Everyday. But the person I'm in love with, isn't that type. Can't give me that. Yet I'm still in love him so it doesn't matter. But doesn't it? Sometimes I get so frustrated with just being balances of each other. Maybe I'm just too needy to be in a relationship. But I don't think I'm ever going to really change, so then what am i to do. It's not like he doesn't say the most perfect things, or do incredibly sweet stuff. He's a perfect gentleman, understanding, funny, romantic, etc etc. It's just that he's not the type to profess his profound love for me and tell me im all that matters in the world and be like ewan mcgregor in Moulin Rouge and that love is all that matters. He's practical. Logical. Not idealistic like me.
    Alright, i'm getting to the point of just rambling. This is completely disorganized and probably really repetitive. Just an explosion of thought in a paragraph.
    Conclusion: i am obsessed with love and over analyze things way too much. i'm never content with what i have and i need to work on that. i have too many emotions, a wonderful boyfriend, and miss him even when i'm with him. i'm 18 and already thinking about marriage. i'm pretty much completely insane.

    Haley

Saturday, 02 February 2008

  • Currently Listening
    Little Voice
    By Sara Bareilles
    see related

    I'm Back!

    Hello world!

    Soo I randomly decided to get back on my xanga today and reread through all my old entries. I really can't believe it was nearly 4 years ago that Ryan Mills first made me this one summer. We were dating then...hooow embarrassing :] But really, It's amazing how much everything has changed. The things I used to write about and issues that concerned me really were so trivial and silly.  I guess I may be looking back and saying that again in a few years, but I like to think not.

    Well, life right now is pretty good. I applied to 9 colleges this fall and have yet to hear from anyyy of them. It's a little annoying. I'll hopefully be going to University of Pennsylvania next year, but I really have no idea what my top choice is. I'm just enjoying senior year right now.  It's lame this semester because I just don't do anything. I wish I could just be done already.  But ever since senior retreat I really realized how much I'm going to miss Spalding.  So I've been taking advantage of everything, spending time with these people I won't see almost ever again, and just having fun.

    I quit dance team, and now I'm choreographing for the Spring musical, which should be exciting, and of course I'm still dancing and singing and piano and such. My last Christmas Show was in December and that was probably one of the most depressing experiences of my life thus far.  I really don't know what I'm going to do without Talent Machine and that whole family in my life.

    In reference to my last entry (soo long ago), the puppy I got (Roxie) is still the cutest thing ever, I love driving, and my new house is bigger, but I miss the old one.  Spirit week this year was even better than last years, and Homecoming as well :] Which brings up the subject of Tommy Bennington. I brought him as my date this year and it was amazing.  I'll post a picture or something maybe. But the dance was wooonderful, and we stopped by a party afterwards but it was lame, sooo we ended up driving to ocean city at 2 am and watching the sunrise on the beach, talking for hours and surviving for a good 12 hours on wawa coffee. He's my absolute best friend, and so much more. But that's a complicated explanation.

    Alright, well I guess that's all.  I think I'll probably keep posting on this thing, but I can't make any promises.  Truthfully, one of the reasons I decided to post another entry is because I miss Jon. I was reading all the old entries and all the comments we posted on eachothers' and part of me is irrationally hoping that he'll magically write a comment on this one and I'll finally have some sort of contact with him after about a year or two or nothing. Miss you Jon.

    Haley

Thursday, 19 October 2006

Monday, 09 October 2006

  • Currently Listening
    The Mother, the Mechanic, and the Path
    By The Early November
    -1000 times a day-
    see related

    Hey kids.

    It's been forever, as per usual.  Spirit week just ended :[  But it was amazing.  I really disliked tropical day though.  Football game was really cold. Probably because I painted my stomach and only had a tank top and jeans on...Go see Myspace for pictures.

    But Homecooooming.  Wlah. Fun stuff.  I took JT....and he was being kind of rude and strange, so I told him half way through that I didn't like him anymore...Which was really shitty of me, I know. And I felt really bad afterwards.  But Drew was there... which is what made me decide to do that then.  So then I danced with Drew the rest of the night basically...   Afterwards, left in the hummer limo....whooo.  And then went to Jason's for a bit..... hahaha. yay. and then back to Sarah's with marissa and trina. fun fun. haha. the car ride home with Sarah's dad was...interesting. ha.

    But. Drew. Yea.

    Hmm. Life.  School's alright. Not as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I'm getting used to the work load and I'm actually feeling really productive most days.  At the beginning of the year I was so totally unmotivated it wasn't even funny.  But that's probably just because I missed summer so much. 

    And I get my license really soon.  I technically could've had it like....more than a month ago.  But my stupid driving school likes to ruin my life for a bit, so I'm almost done but not yet

    And I'm getting a puppy.

    And a car. Hopefully a mini cooper.

    And we moved!  I forgot that one.  Now I live in severn.  Totally right down the street from Spalding.  It's pretty exciting and I enjoy my new house.  It's pretty big.  And my room's in the basement!!!!!! :]  Except, there's also these giant spiders down there.  I've seen two so far.  One more and I don't know if I can sleep down there. They scare the shit out of me. I like living, thanks.

    Hmm.  Life at home is pretty fucked I guess. But that's a bit of a longer story.  And one that I don't really feel like exposing to the world wide web. 

    Alright.  Um. I like pretty skies. kbye.

    Haley <3

TwiiNkleToeS2

  • Visit TwiiNkleToeS2's Xanga Site
    • Name: Haley R'nae
    • Birthday: 6/4/1990
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 4/14/2004

About Me

  • These are people I like- Tommy Bennington, Liz Burdick, Kailee Combs and Mallory Newbrough. I also enjoy poetry, nature, being crazy and irrational, adventures, and life.

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