'It's like my heart can't take
My fall in love every day'
Platonic Love. Last year in Hondrum's Intro to World Literature class, we learned that this was the ultimate form of love in life. It extends way past simple, romantic love and is where you're so close to the other person, that you feel what they feel, know what they're thinking, and fall deeply in love for forever. 'Notebook' love; forever love; soul mates; what every person in this world is seeking. Well..what the hell happens if you don't find it? To be honest, I don't think I would ever be satisfied with my life if I knew I hadn't found this. I mean, I've have this boy, this amazing wonderful fantastic human being whom I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. I dream of it, I become impatient when I think about how long it could be until that time, it occupies a large chunk of my everyday thoughts. And sometimes, I feel so in love with him it hurts. And I cry for no reason. And I love crying. A great movie, an amazing song, lyrics that affect my soul, a photograph, a phrase, a look from him. I love it. But at the same time that I can't ever imagine my life without him, there are times when I'm unsure about being in love. Note: this only started when we actually became official. But if you really are in love, are you supposed to question it? I mean, isn't it supposed to be a completely sure thing? No questions asked? A definite, overwhelming feeling in your heart and soul and complete being. Which brings me to the 'lasting forever' part. I've always been big on love...obsessive even. At one point a few years back, I was in the same position I'm in now. I was in love with a boy. So deeply in love. At least I thought I was, until I fell out of it. So was it really? I mean, when I was with this boy, I was convinced of it. When we weren't together anymore, I was still convinced of it. I craved it, wanted it more than anything else. But I also seem to have this terrible problem of wanting what I can't have. I didn't have him. And for years, that's all I wanted, and I was convinced we were supposed to be together forever. Sound familiar? Yea I know, same situation now. But this new boy has the belief that once you fall in love, you stay in love, that is if it's the real, true, reach for the stars, life affecting kind. And being the crazy, hopeless romantic type, like I am, shouldn't I think that, too? Don't I think that, too? Yes. But then what the hell was that feeling a few years ago, that's now been transitioned to this new person? Granted, they were two totally different kinds of people. Person A was crazy, intense, romantic, a dreamer... like me. And he made me FEEL. Which, if you know me, I NEED. I need to feel things, all the time. Real true deep emotions. That's why I love crying. And Person B makes me feel too, sometimes even more than i thought possible, but Person B is different. He's wonderful, classic, husband father material, grounded, logical, adventurous, my best friend. And sometimes his logical with my irrational makes for a great balance. But then there's times when I crave being swept off my feet by a passionate, all you need is love believing, all i need is you believing boy. And he can't always be that. So therefore comes the predicament. I feel so much it hurts 'It's like my heart can't take /My fall in love every day'. I eat live sleep read crave breathe falling in love. Everyday. But the person I'm in love with, isn't that type. Can't give me that. Yet I'm still in love him so it doesn't matter. But doesn't it? Sometimes I get so frustrated with just being balances of each other. Maybe I'm just too needy to be in a relationship. But I don't think I'm ever going to really change, so then what am i to do. It's not like he doesn't say the most perfect things, or do incredibly sweet stuff. He's a perfect gentleman, understanding, funny, romantic, etc etc. It's just that he's not the type to profess his profound love for me and tell me im all that matters in the world and be like ewan mcgregor in Moulin Rouge and that love is all that matters. He's practical. Logical. Not idealistic like me.
Alright, i'm getting to the point of just rambling. This is completely disorganized and probably really repetitive. Just an explosion of thought in a paragraph.
Conclusion: i am obsessed with love and over analyze things way too much. i'm never content with what i have and i need to work on that. i have too many emotions, a wonderful boyfriend, and miss him even when i'm with him. i'm 18 and already thinking about marriage. i'm pretty much completely insane.
Haley
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